I Am Interviewed By Jonathan Frakes
Not as impressive as it sounds
It is still technically April Fool’s Day1 as I post this, and so it is still technically legal for me to tell you that I sat today for an interview given by acclaimed actor-director Jonathan Frakes (Gargoyles, Clockstoppers).
Unfortunately, a tape malfunction meant that we only retained the video of Frakes’s side of the conversation, but a full transcript of our interview (lightly edited for clarity) is reprinted below:
Have you ever walked out of a mall into a huge parking area and realized you’d forgotten where you parked your car?
Yes, though not as often as I used to. Now that I have a smartphone, I’ll take a picture of a nearby parking landmark when I get out of the car. Then I can find my way back.
Ever gone mountain biking?
No. I owned a bike growing up that was supposed to be capable of mountain biking, but I never put it to the test.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A reasonably successful novelist held in open contempt by the New York Times Review of Books.
What’s the right tip?
For services where tipping is a longstanding custom dating back at least twenty years, 15%—but rounded up to the nearest dollar for checks under $25 or the nearest $5 for checks over $25.
For anything where they tried to impose tipping just before or just after the pandemic, no tip. We must hold the line on this, or big companies will roll out tipping everywhere. Do you want a tip screen every time you go to buy groceries? Or pump gas? Then press no tip when they spin the screen around to face you, and do it again and again until the guilt scars over completely. You have my permission.
Of course, I want cashiers to get more money. They do a harder (albeit less skilled) job than I do and get paid much less. Life is hard if you’re trying to live off a cashier wage. (Lots of these jobs were built for teens, not breadwinners! And, as a former teen cashier, I can tell you it wasn’t great fun as a teen, either!) But this boost needs to come in the form of wages from the employer, not inconsistent shots of money extracted from whatever the economic equivalent of white guilt is.
Have you called a plumber to your home lately?
No, but I thought about it.
My kitchen faucet has been dripping for over a year, which is very annoying, and I lack the skills to fix it. So I was going to call someone. Before I pulled the trigger, though, I worked out the rate of drip and the cost of my water and it looks like this drip costs me about $4/year. That’s not even enough to get me to go to Menard’s, much less pay for a plumber.
The thing that keeps me up at night is that I don’t 100% trust my math.
How superstitious are you?
Depends on how you define “superstitious.”
I’ve spent too much time reading FiveThirtyEight to fall for anything like knocking on wood or “jinxing” or anything along those lines. However, knocking on wood is fun and makes me feel like part of the game, so I do it anyway.
I’m fairly skeptical of supernatural claims, even within my own (Catholic) religion. I am often the last person to be convinced of apparitions of Mary, miraculously incorruptible saints, and so forth. I would not make any significant sacrifice to go to the healing water of Lourdes, at least not without a lot more research. I don’t rule out ghosts categorically, but the number of specific hauntings I currently believe in is currently zero.
On the other hand, I do believe that God, the saints, the angels, the Devil and so forth exist. I am therefore cautious about disregarding supernatural claims entirely, especially when doing so could be dangerous. Ouija boards are almost certainly useless… but, if they are not useless, then they could cause demonic possession. I have never used one, and my kids are forbidden to use them under any circumstances (including sleepovers). Is that superstition? It seems to me that, when something has a 99.9% chance of having no benefit and a 0.01% chance of causing a life-altering catastrophe, the rational move is to avoid it. YMMV.
How much money would it take to make you spend a night in a cemetery?
I don’t really understand the fear of the dead. Whatever your beliefs about death and afterlife are, there just doesn’t seem to be any cost to hanging out with the dead overnight. If anything, there might be benefits! Perhaps I would feel differently if I actually spent more time with the dead. Or, then again, perhaps everyone in our century would be less terrified of cemeteries if we culturally spent more time thinking about death and the dead.
So, assuming good weather and moderate temperatures, I’d do this for about $700. That’s to get me to sleep out on the cold ground by myself with no Internet connection for no real reason. The fact that it’s a cemetery doesn’t change the price.
Would you display this [big buck antlers] as a trophy?
No. Those take up an absurd amount of wall space and any room I put them in would suddenly be much harder for my kids to play in. I already don’t have enough space for all the pictures I want to hang on my walls.
Do you have a pet?
My wife has pet millipedes. She bought two to begin with, named Millicent and Saint Peder. They turned out to be a boy and girl, so now there are about a dozen pedes (separated into separate terrariums by gender, so that doesn’t happen again), named such things as Nadine, Anne, and Two Point Five Cups. My favorite is the littlest pede, whose name is Fresh Stacks.
I am okay with any pet that I never, ever, under any circumstances, have to touch or smell. They stay on their side of the plastic and I stay on mine. Good fences make good pets.
Do you have a sweet tooth?
Yes.
Do you believe in the power of a curse?
See my answer on superstition!
Have you had your hearing tested lately?
Last year. Passed with flying colors, annoying my wife, who is sure I have terrible hearing because her own voice doesn’t carry.
Planning a trip soon?
This summer, I’ll be heading down the Jersey Shore for a few days. My father has chosen to honor his parents (who both died recently) by using some of the inheritance to rent a house on Seven-Mile Island. His parents did the same thing several times in their golden years for the whole extended Heaney clan, and it was always a really amazing time.
Can you remember the tallest man you’ve ever seen?
Yes. My mother’s family are all huge fans of the Marquette Warriors basketball team. In 2002, Marquette reached the Elite Eight, which was played here in the Twin Cities. We obtained nosebleed tickets from scalpers, but ended up in some extraordinarily good seats about twelve rows back from the floor.
That was the day I learned exactly how tall basketballmen really are. Holy mackerel.
Then Dwayne Wade pulled off a triple-double to send Kentucky packing. Kentucky was not only the #1 seed and the favorite to win the tournament, but also happened to be Marquette’s ancient and bitter rival, ever since Marquette coach Al McGuire and Kentucky coach Adolph Rupp clashed in the 1960s over (among other things) having black people play in college basketball. (McGuire was in favor!)
I was hoarse for several days after the game.
Do you love to go a-wanderin’ beneath a clear blue sky?
Is that a… song lyric or something? An old ad slogan?
I mean… Sure, who doesn’t love a good walk? It’s just a weird way to ask the question, Two-Takes.
Have you noticed what big stars real estate agents have become?
This is an extremely Twin Cities answer, but:
Are you careful with your personal records?
I like to think so. However, when the Equifax data breach happened and there were effectively no consequences (not even Equifax itself received the corporate death penalty!), I pretty much gave up on actually keeping my personal records confidential. Nothing I do matters a whit.
What I guard jealously today are my root passwords: the three separate (and very long) passwords that unlock my encrypted email account, my password manager, and my home desktop computer. If I lost any of those passwords, my world could really be in danger.
Does your computer ever seem to have a mind of its own?
No, but only because I refuse to activate Bixby or purchase an Alexa.
I tell my kids to only give fake names to Alexa. I don’t think they think I’m serious, even after I showed them the trailer for the late great Manny Coto’s last TV show, NEXT:
I watched every episode. (It was a fine, suspenseful adventure but I felt the ending did not come together.) Anyway, I’m sorry, Mr. Frakes, I’ve digressed. What was your next question?
Have you ever visited a Chinatown section in a major city?
Actually, no.
Have you ever visited a flea market?
Yes, but my true kryptonite is used book sales.
Have you ever visited a truck stop?
This is such a weird question. What counts as a “visit”? Eating lunch at a Kwik Trip? Or do I have to be at a truck park with a weigh station over night?
Obviously I’ve eaten lunch at a few Kwik Trips in my day, and there were a lot of trucks around, but that’s all I can rightly claim.
You ever have a job as a waiter?
No, thank God. I would be the world’s worst waiter. It plays to all of my weaknesses, none of my strengths. Everyone I served would probably die.
Have you noticed how many successful restaurants are theme-based these days?
I can’t honestly say that I have. Big if true!
Have you ever had the desire to write your initials in wet cement?
Not only have I had the desire, but, early in childhood, my desire was fulfilled! I don’t think it’s there anymore, but my first childhood house got a new front walk when I was quite small and my father made sure we got our initials in one of them.
Thank you, Will. This has been a real pleasure. Thanks for sitting down with me today.
…in Honolulu, most of Alaska, French Polynesia, and several U.S. minor outlying islands…
For the rest of our lives, we will be wondering if this interview was fact or fiction.
I think I may have played a polka that the wandering question may have been referencing. Unfortunately, I don't remember the title. Perhaps checking in with the former leader of that band might help...