K-8 Newsletter, Stardate 46311.4

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Dear Parents,  

Happy Friday from the Enterprise school family! 

Personnel Change 

Starting on Stardate 46344.5, through the end of the academic year, our K-4 calculus specialist, Mrs. Brenda Kyle, will be on a leave of absence, as she has been accidentally transformed into a lizard. Doctor Crusher assures us she will revert to her usual smiling self as soon as she lays her eggs, so she will technically only be trapped on Relva VI for the next two or three months, but she may need as many as three weeks' PTO to recover and re-learn human language. We are arranging a long-term sub, but her classes this week will be generously covered by Lt. Worf. 

School Play Rescheduled 

Commander Riker has notified us that our 7th graders will not be able perform Frame of Mind, Jr. in the reception hall tonight, since it has been unforeseeably taken over by a dead alien civilization. He kindly offered the Battle Bridge instead, but, due to the small space and the fact that some of our stellar cast is still trapped in the reception hall, we're holding off. Stardate TBD! 

After-School Care Update 

Enrollment for After-Hour Kid Power is now open for the Stardate 46680.1 - Stardate 47426.3 school year. (Registration in LCARS.) 

We're excited to share that After-Hour Kid Power is now open to argon-breathers! 

New Friends 

I want to thank everyone in Miss Gladstone's class. After the senior staff found the orphan girl, Danae, on the moon of Megas II, with no memory and no belly button, I admit I had some misgivings when they ordered me to immediately enroll her in our school to help her "acclimate." But you were all so welcoming to Danae and made her feel truly loved.  

Yes, it was unfortunate that Danae didn't want to share the Lincoln Logs with Kolos, Son of Korg, which led to her losing her temper, which reactivated her dormant powers, which caused the entire class to age one year in the blink of an eye. However, none of your wonderful children should blame themselves. Captain Picard himself agreed that everyone in Miss Gladstone's class was doing a great job following the classroom K.I.N.D. guidelines. In fact, he tells me that Danae deeply and sincerely apologized to the whole class just before she discorporated. She also vowed to grant Kolos one wish on his thirteenth birthday, although it is not clear whether she is counting the skipped year. 

Saucer Separation Drill 

Next Tuesday, we will hold a Saucer Separation Drill during the school day. This is an opportunity for our students and teachers to practice our procedures safely. This builds on the experience we gained in our recent Battle Stations Drill, Macrovirus Infestation Drill, and the actual Ferengi boarding action last month. 

Art Show: Tenth Anniversary Commemoration 

This Tuesday marks ten years since Starfleet Command made the forward-thinking decision to include families on Galaxy-class starships! It's hard to imagine now, but, just a decade ago, Starfleet parents could not enjoy the fabulous work-life balance that Enterprise kids benefit from today. How fortunate we are to live in these times! The all-school art show this weekend therefore has the theme "favorite Enterprise memories."  

(Sneak preview: many of the kids made holo-dioramas about that time we passed into a realm beyond the universe where thoughts became reality.) 

Health Alert 

One of the second-graders in Mr. Greenburg's section is under the weather and may be contagious. If you scan your child, please do not be alarmed if your tricorder diagnoses terminal xenopolycythemia. We have contacted sickbay and confirmed that this illness is definitely not terminal xenopolycythemia. We will update you as soon as sickbay confirms what it actually is. 

Have a wonderful weekend! 

Lieutenant Patricia Ballard 

School Principal, U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D

Principal Ballard still has like fifty papers to grade and you ain’t helping.